Tuesday, October 28, 2008
I didn't choose my family to be like this... Y do ur keep scolding me... Its not that i don't feel any pain when i look at my own family... I'm not that heartless... If i was then i wun be crying now... U dun know how much pain i'm going thru... U dun know how much i envy other ppl with happy family... Ur dun know that every word ur say hurts alot... In ur eyes i'm forever useless... U nv like anything i do... No matter how much i make an effort to let my exams pass... Its still not good enough for u... Do u know how much i wan a happy family also... But its just impossible... And my memories with my family being happy tgt is also zero... All thats left are photos which my mum has cut some of them... I can still rmb the time when i was nearly knock by a car... She nv even show concern for me and still let her stupid bf scold me saying that i was stupid to stand there... Sometimes i think that maybe it would be better if the car knock me down... Its like i'm so not wanted in this world... How can every wrong thing in the family that happen be my fault... Even if i nv do anything wrong also scold me... Because no matter wat, to ur, everything i do is wrong... Nothing i do will ever be rite to ur... I keep telling myself i must try to understand ur all de feelings... If it makes ur happy when u scold me then i let ur scold... Even if i nv do anything wrong also i let ur scold me... So i'll just force myself to think that maybe somehow its my fault... Maybe i should be scolded... Maybe i deserve to be like this... :'(Wh3n WiLl yOu St0p Br3aKiNg My h3aRt?
2:28 PM
Thursday, October 23, 2008
its been a wk since sch start.. i dunno y i just get more and more tired each day.. i spend the whole afternoon slpin ytd but still feel tired after i woke up... -.- well, the first week is not so bad ba.. as usual alot of physics.. and now even got sum chemistry.. i'm gonna die sia.. if u oe me well enough u should noe my physics and chem is all gone case one.. lol.. actually i dun think i have any sub which i'm good at also.. just that i'm tyco enough to pass all of them.. lol...well did have sum sad days last wk.. but cant rmb when.. just rmb have.. not a nice thing to rmb also.. hope i wun have to rmb sad things.. happy ones are enough..
i miss my parents.. i dunno y.. just sum random feeling i have every now and then.. would it be better if i was heartless?... i dunno.. maybe i wun feel so much then..
lookin at my parents mariage.. i'm scare.. wat if mine become like this also... omg.. then i dun wan to have children.. i dun wan them to go thru wat i've gone thru... its dam pain sia.. even until now.. this moment this second as i'm typin this.. and the pain of the tears wantin to come out but u cant seem to find sumone to lend u a shoulder is just makes me feel more terrible.. i cant imagine how much i'll cry when i finally find one.. i dunno how much i'm tryin to control and not let it out.. i'm almost reach the stage where i cannot hear any slow song.. any slow song will just make my tears come out..
and to make it worst, i have frens who suka suka tok to u suka suka give u face.. wth.. i dun understand y am i not heartless enough.. if i am then i wun hav to bother bout all this..
Wh3n WiLl yOu St0p Br3aKiNg My h3aRt?
1:32 PM
Monday, October 13, 2008
today is the first day of sch for this sem.. well sch's alrite.. lol.. its currently sum place better to be for half of the day compared to being at hm the whole day... lol... i guess after being at hm for so many wks with nothing to do i can appreciate sch more... lol..woke up at 6+am today... lol.. dam sia... so shower and everything see the time 6.30am only.. was dam early to go to sch sia.. so i went to put my contacts.. it kept slipping from my finger =.= so when i came out of the toilet it was already about 7.. lucky i wake up early.. lol.. then went to take bus to meet sheena at amk station.. lol.. amk station was dam hot sia.. lol.. then after meetin her... went to take bus 74 to sch.. she came later then we were suppose to meet so she was late for class... and she decided not to go to any class for today.. =.= she went to sch just to see us today.. lol.. swt rite.. haha.. then after me and sheena reach sch.. we waited for yee teng at cheers.. then went to canteen to slack for a few mins with a free cup of teh peng from sheena... (lol.. tks..)
then went for first lesson... first lesson only lasted for bout half an hr.. lol.. then went to buy bks.. then lunch at c1 and then went to the student plaza to print time table and buy bks with maria.. lol.. then both of us went to ourspace to look for the rest who were there.. slack a while with maria.. lol.. must say shes a totally dam nice person to be around with... lol.. like sheena.. no stress when i'm with them.. haha.. then went for the next lesson which is the 2nd lesson for the day.. dam sian... kept yawnin so my eyes were no dry anymore.. lol... it was dam dry b4 that sia.. learn sumthing there.. but i dunno wat it was.. lol.. then next 3rd lesson.. also dam sia.. so i ended up spending the whole of the last lesson doin personality test and sum other random test that was on a website with kt... lol.. it was funny la.. well its abit more entertaining compared to wat the teacher was teaching.. lol.. seriously anything to do with science is not going to be entertaining for me.. lol.. then after lesson, ask maria to go to the toilet with me to remove my contacts.. then went hm.. lol.. well then that was the end of my first day in sch.. lol..
tmr will be 2nd day... i hope it will be good also.. haha.. well actually i was worried bout sumthing just now alot... lol.. but now, i fig that i've got more impt things to worry about compared to that.. like will i be able to cope with all my modules mah.. i'm startin to worry i may have choosen a course that may be too much for me to take sia.. die..
and this is the pic i took with sheena in the bus on the way to sch.. lol... she wore grey contacts and me blue... lol...
Wh3n WiLl yOu St0p Br3aKiNg My h3aRt?
11:57 PM
Saturday, October 11, 2008
finally bought blue contacts yesterday.. i just simply love blue eyes.. lol.. and today is my first time wearing it.. so while wearing it and waiting for time to pass.. i snap photos of me with blue eyes..take 1 without specs... lol..
take 2...
this time with specs...
just the eyes...
and the close up one one eye.. lol..
but still i must say.. its dam difficult for me to put them on -.- i spend half an hr puttin it on and another half an hr taking it out.. lol.. hmmm.. wonder if i should put them on to sch on mon... lol..
Wh3n WiLl yOu St0p Br3aKiNg My h3aRt?
1:13 PM
Thursday, October 09, 2008
its 4 more days b4 the next sem starts.. lol..i totally snap the day b4 ytd.. i was crying like mad.. it was sumhow more of fear that brought out my tears instead of sadness.. even thought its part of it too... lucky no one saw me.. i couldnt stop myself.. i dunno y.. so i decided that maybe tokin to sumone would help.. lol.. the funny thing i i unno who to call when i took out my phone.. i only noe that no matter who i call the person may freak out hearing me cry like this... and in the end i did call sumone.. and i was rite.. after i put down the phone... i was able to make myself calm down.. sumtimes i wonder y i'm like this.. i cant seem to fig it out other than i'm useless?.. i dunno.. sumtimes i guess i just nid a break from all this happenin in my life.. its gettin abit too much for me to take.. it has been like this since i understand wat is happenin around me.. -.- i'm totally tired.. maybe snapping a little sumtimes is not a bad thing.. i dunno wat more must i do b4 everyone around me will be happy... all i noe now is that i cant make 2 parites statisfy at the same time.. and its makin me sad..
well nothing is perfect and all i can do now is be as positive as i can.. or at the very least try to make myself happy abit... it sure is better to be smiling than crying.. lol.. not that my life is dam sad now and that i dun smile or laugh at all.. but sumtimes i just smile to just cover up my sadness i wouldnt mind if i could have more laughter that comes truly from my heart.. lol.. maybe its my way of looking at things.. i tend to look at all the negative side of things and hardly ever the positive.. cos even if i do.. i convince myself that positive stuff may not happen to me.. lol..
but even though after all i've gone true.. i'm still consider a happy person.. lol.. at least i think i am.. i've learn alot thru all this... like not all things would turn out the way i wan them to be.. and when it happens the opposite way i wan them to be all i can do is try my best to accept it.. sumtimes it isnt that bad after i've accept it.. its just a different outcome.. and if the ppl involve are happy with it then maybe wat i really wanted was not that impt..
now i'm doing sumthing that is making me happy... lol.. i'm reading.. lol.. well not that readin anything will make me happy... but i'm readin sumthing i like... haha.. well, actually i finish reading all the bks from the twilight series that i have but i decide to re read it.. cos its DAM NICE... lol.. i love the story so so much.. i've spend almost everyday reading at about 3-5 hrs for the last 3 wks(?) or maybe more... lol.. i cant rmb when i started reading like this.. lol.. i nv really realise how much i love(or would like) readin until now.. lol.. well, maybe its cos i like the story also.. i tend to be more willing to read/do sumthing when i like wat i'm doin/readin.. and will be totally not willing to do it if i dun like it at all.. lol.. i MUST watch this movie when its out.. lol.. but it will only be out in dec in sg.. -.- awww... the waiting process is going to be terrible.. lol.. well back to readin.. i think i've blog enough for now.. lol..
but b4 i go.. i wan to say tks to the ppl who were concern about me that day.. TKS ALOT=) i dun think i have to mention who ba.. ur noe who u r.. =)
Wh3n WiLl yOu St0p Br3aKiNg My h3aRt?
2:58 PM
Sunday, October 05, 2008
i finally finish the 4th book(breaking dawn) at 1+am... lol... i tot i'll take 10 days.. i took lesser than that.. haha.. dunno y.. maybe i'm readin faster compared to when i started.. lol.. not really sure.. haha.. well.. i'm bored now le.. lol.. so here to blog.. lol.. well i got nothin to blog actually.. oh ONE MORE WK B4 SCHOOL STARTS.. haha... i cant wait.. i feel dam bored at home.. hahaWh3n WiLl yOu St0p Br3aKiNg My h3aRt?
4:34 PM
